Ode to Pax

 4:17 am...after having seen Sigur Ros and having had my heart explode into the universe on a trampoline with super bounce, I have just one small insignificant thought.  (Isn't that how it always is?  Buzz buzz, this and thats, and then silence...a single phrase, a word)
This thought is right there! Do you see it?  I can almost reach it and grab it.  But even though it is right in front of me, I miss it.  One microsecond passes to say, "doh!"  But hey, let's recalibrate.  (Or else suffer from emotional/mental hemophilia ---DUM DUM DUM!!!) Maybe the thought was banana.  Now I am really trying to remember.  The world goes round and round and round and round...

*sidenote: now i remember why i wrote this.  ah haha, how far we have gone off tangent.  (And how is this even possible...this entry is so short!?  Do YOU daydream between conjunctions too??? :P) i wrote this because i cherish the people i work with, mainly, the folks in Loro's.  I guess this isn't really insignificant, but the thought/emotion ends up becoming a single word.  I wish words could shoot rainbows so they glowed what they really were meant to mean.  Oh jelly beans! (couldn't resist the rhyme.) 

Ever increasing doors before you

For every day that you live, it is yet an another day full of emotions and sentiments that are just minutely unique to that day---like an endless piano keyboard that grows day to day by microtones, intervals, white keys and black keys. You'd think the wonder of adolescence ends with age...but how we alter each day--- and how those combinations can be so versatile! Each time, the jumps are.bigger, the yellows become ochre, green, a luscious vermillion. New doors--new doors!

Which door will it be today?

Brothers

thank god for them.

"hey, slow down there, Baudelaire..existential crisis is no joke and it seems you are having one right now.  i don't know what is gnawing away at you, so please tell me.  your e-mail although poetical requires some additional explanation...by you...to me.."

The balance of things

to do it all over again...i said this a while back to myself--or rather, I say this to myself at various points in my life--in love with the Gatsby in all of us that wants to stop time, accidentally push the clock off the table.

AND YET...I am pulled forward by this equally intense positivity (that drives me crazy at times, especially when I am drowning in some sort of meta-thinking of everything...yay, thank you liberal arts education)

Gosh, there is that balance that is created in aromatic hydrocarbons, or the contrasting spins of electrons, or the moonlight created by the sun, even though both are always there, or the sweetness of silence after the greatest sounds...somewhere in the middle of all those doubles (that aren't always double...) THAT's where I'd like to be.

Maybe in that space, it'll just be like the after hours of a long night out...the quiet mornings sipping resuscitating soup, everyone in murmurs, tired but happily sore...and then the real day begins again. 

Heart locked in a Gran Turino

The world is nothing more than all the tiny things you left behind...

i am a plant because i like the sun

Plant-self: All in all, I am free.  No place or clothes or money defines                 me. I trust in you because you are free to be.

Self: cool~

Self-Self: yeesh

Self-Self-Self: meh

Self-Self-Self-Self: Gumpos Gooferamus

Rumblefish

There is a Francis Ford Coppola film I really liked in high school called Rumblefish. Then, I think I liked beta fish--you know---that they fight only in captivity being so poetic and all. Pathos resonates from the film.

so it is all about rumblefish...maybe.  (insert ten minute pause here as I stare at the screen, knowing what to say but it looks like a blob and to write, my pencil is a carrot).

this is a blog..(insert another ten minute pause...a sigh) and i didn't want to post on twitter. because I'd know that more people would chance to see it.  the irony.  here i write for public something i don't want to publicize.  but i think it's because i want to scream and this apartment in Gangnam has walls that are too thin. i wonder how many people behind thin walls must be wishing the same thing...

the other day, it was not this; i walked around Sinsa, and Plaid's White's Dream from the Tekkonkinkreet soundtrack on repeat. Looked at the moon and tweeted some nonsensical babble about how the moon is always there.  But what I felt then was complete and utter gratitude---that even when things were going to shit, I could look up at the night sky and see something so beautiful and seemingly serene.

In any case, I suppose the solution to this want for tears is just to go outside and look at the moon again and maybe cry a little...  I would like to call my mom or my brother..but i know they'd just worry more. Rumblefish. rumblefish.

Interlude.

went outside and the moon was not there. or sleeping with a grey blanket. wanted to wake it, but didn't want to seem so needy. so what now?  back to the mantra --- the moon within, the moon within?

rumblefish.

a scream was here.