위하여

 

a little nervous and unsure: an ep album of a collection of me's over time comes out tomorrow.  i dont know what will come of it or if it will mean i can write new songs again, but am appreciative of all the things that inspire(d) me, even if for a fleeting second of a day.  wish i could hold onto the white lights i think of lining the streets--the fireflies of the cities--when i feel this way.  wish i could take the cobalt skies of concert nights in california and keep them in my mind's eye a little longer...

In the middle of June

 

29 degrees, a normal Sunday full of lazy goodness, oversized yellow Haruko Haruhara t-shirts and definitely, 5 minute pauses between sentences as brain pathways bump and collide. All thoughts are instantly wiped out by the blue outside my window. words. the moment you feel you are about to discover something about a particular combination of words--some sort of clarity in the nebula of all things--Ah! so close...

And here for some garbledegook, because after much thought, it is, and forever will be, a jumble: 

youth's conversational cadences, (what about them, and what about the you's in them), hearing the voice of the ideal in everything, equilibrium cleanse (so it happened just now), retracing steps to the emotional doors to reopen,  should really plant this basil. 28 degrees, a little damp on a normal Sunday, (come on, be a little less normal), glad to be able to have a full day of meaningless marination. 

Pinocchio's Tree

Struck by a certain feeling that I want to capture in words, but it wants to escape...want to hold on...to figure out what it is. Am transported to moments from my childhood--of getting attached to a tree that appears in Pinocchio and feeling so sad that it disappeared, when it wasn't even an essential part of the film--of the little things that appear to you, touch your heart, then disappear.  Do you ever feel that everything matters just a tad too much...and you wish they didn't because you feel your heart breaking into a million pieces over these little things.  Haven't figured out what this feeling is...was hoping writing would get closer to something: love the things you love as dearly as you can. 

The Great Sparkle Grain Conjunction!

I could describe myself as just another person who has a lot of thoughts (a lot being just the average perhaps).  And to this, I think, what good does it do when it just disperses into (what I imagine) some universe with a whole slew of other people's thoughts.

I walk the same path I take every day, adjacent to rumbling traffic and the same tall buildings. But today, the sparkle grains are lit by the streetlights, and I happen to notice, and it matters in some kind of small unimportant way.

Imagine if our minds were linked at these moments, what kind of collective image would appear? Would it be awash with colors and buzzing with transient thought phantoms?  Or could it be...that we would all be united on a walk on the same sort of glittering floor?

지뿡땡

a small note:

when i walk around, i go over the thai alphabet aloud (if no one is around, but silently otherwise), and i have chuckled to myself saying phrases because of the sing-song-y nature of the language.  (thought i would get stuck singing words for everything) i have yet to fully understand all the tones and inflections, but today i was thinking that i am highly conscious of the insides of my mouth when i practice saying some of the words.  it almost feels like i'm juggling invisible marbles in my mouth and making little pockets of space and rearranging them so that the sounds can travel past these imaginary obstructions.  i love it!

การเปลี่ยนแปลง

I am just going to put this word here (I googled the word transition, and although I can recognize the consonants, I am not too quick to read with the vowels and the right tones yet.) Just a random thought, but I have been spending quite a bit of time just listening to my Thai friends speak, and usually I cannot understand a single word although I hear certain repeating sounds and have learned what may possibly be negations, but I have no idea what verb is being negated. I wonder if they think I'm really weird that I stay silent for long periods of time to just listen. I cannot really put into words why I feel so drawn to this language and the sounds.  I am wondering at this very moment if there will ever be a moment where the words cease to be just purely sounds, and I cross the boundary into a territory where I cannot hear the sounds anymore---when I think of what Korean sounds like, I can't really say---and the thoughts convey themselves first before the sounds.  I wonder if I will be a little sad when this transition happens.  I hope that when I do become more familiar with the language, and I can read more quickly, I will look at the title I gave to this post and think: "wow that is a stupid title."

Lately

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